Getting ready for a night on the town, gonna impress my lady-friend:
- Black dress shoes, only slightly-scuffed from pedal baskets. Women don't look at shoes anyway, right? Check.
- Dress slacks, chain grease stain mostly washed out, thank goodness the slacks are black. Check.
- Shirt and Tie, 50s-style tie clip necessary due to forward lean position on bikecycle. Check.
- Hair gelled to within an inch of it's life in order to withstand constant breeze. Check.
- Sexy sexy bike helmet. Girls dig safety. Check.
- His-n-hers cruisers. Check.
I am ready for my hot date tonight! I can not help but to think of this movie scene from The 40-Year-Old Virgin:
- C_: "Okay, what time do you want to pick me up?"
- Me: "Um, uh, let's see. Um, that's actually kind of a problem because I ride a bike."
- C_: "That's cool. Are you kidding me? I love getting on the back of a motorcycle. My boyfriend in college drove a motorcycle. So, I mean, I'm cool."
- Me: "Yeah. Yeah, I bet that was cool. I ride a bike-- bikes-- bikecycle-- bicycle."
- C_: "Oh."
(Yeah Yeah Yeahs are playing at the Monolith Festival at Red Rocks on Saturday)
Wow. Motor Free Dating is tri-i-i-i-cky at best. I thank my lucky stars I found a woman who tolerates, even encourages this Motor Free behavior. I can't wait until we roll up to the Canyon Chop House tonight:
Make sure you park these cruisers in a well-lighted spot. Last time we were here some ruffian undid our brake cables and smashed my rear tire reflector. These are expensive bicycles! I demand respect!
It's tough to get respect on a bike, I tell 'ya. The irony is that I know several people who own bikes that are worth more than their cars. Maybe that says more about their cars than their bikes. In fact New Belgium keeps giving Black Sheep bikes to people who will sign over the deed to their car, and pledge a year of car-free living. They exchange one bike at each Tour de Fat festival. Black Sheep bikes are so cool and expensive that you've never even heard of them, probably. A status symbol amongst the cycling crowd, even. Sexy to a certain class of women, no doubt.
Which means that there are probably women who find a Motor Free Man attractive, date-worthy, a potential mate even. But depending on where you live that subset of women might be pretty small (Boulder, CO an obvious exception), and any dating man knows that you don't want to limit your pool of available ladies straightaway like that. It's simple statistics, my friend. On the other hand, the type of woman who would be interested in a Motor Free Man is likely an avid cyclist herself, and avid cyclist women are pretty much uniformly sexy, so although the pool might be smaller, it is undoubtedly of higher quality. But I must say that Motor Free living is probably not for the single guy or gal looking to impress another single guy or gal. Or gal or guy. Or whatever, no matter the combination, it's not recommended so much.The question is, was the 40-Year-Old Virgin celibate because he
rode a bike and didn't see the connection between riding a bike all the time and not being able to attract the ladies, or did he ride a bike because he was celibate, and had no reason to attract a mate? I actually tend to think the latter.Which ultimately begs the question, why is a man in a car a more attractive date than a man on a bike? Anthropologically speaking, I believe the man in the car demonstrates a certain financial status, and therefore the ability to provide for the security of the mate and their offspring. It's the same reason a man in a fancy car appears is more attractive than a man in a clunker. It's all part of our mating ritual!
And I'm officially thinking about this way too much. All in the name of entertaining you, dear reader!
Thanks goodness I don't have to worry about that! I only have to convince my wife that riding our bikes to old town for her fancy birthday dinner is classy and respectable behavior. Flowers ought to seal the deal.
This of course ought to result in the "très Parisian" sight of us on our single-speed cruisers wearing formal dinner attire, not too shabby! Bring me my téléphone mobile, and my Gauloises!
Postscript:
The evening was a wonderful success! C_ was a great sport about the whole biking thing. Luckily the weather held up, it's been threatening to rain the last couple of days. There was -- shockingly -- no bike parking at the restuarant, so we tied up on the railing of their outside patio. I'm sure they loved that! After dinner we met some friends for a drink in old town. Katrinka and Jim also rode their bikes! I hope they stayed warm on their ride home, I know we were a little chilly by the time we got home last night.
Stay thirsty, my friend!
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